small fish feelings

Confessions of a small fish.

Today is a Perfect Day for a Perfect Day

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

I never found that quote to be terribly motivating or inspiring.  I am not very fond of looking ahead to my future and thinking about the long term.  I recently stumbled on the quote

"Today is a perfect day for a perfect day."

I am so much better at living and thinking in the here and now.  Tomorrow and the rest of my life come soon enough.  I do feel that the decisions I make today will affect tomorrow and the days to follow, so I try to make generally positive choices.

I have traveled a journey through mild depression, and have just recently felt that I am in a good place again.  I am at a point in my life where I can reinvent myself and let myself shine.  It is liberating to start anew.  I love trying new things because I find a piece of myself I never knew existed before.  Coming through this period of depression has made me feel new again.  I enjoy getting to know myself as I find what I enjoy again.

The future I have been working towards for 8 years is finally upon me.  Graduation, marriage, new career opportunities, and a potential move are all on the horizon.  What an exciting time!  I cannot wait to make the most of my time.  I am cherishing each day before I move on to a new life and a new adventure.  There is something bittersweet about leaving so many things behind.  My life will never be the same, so I must relish the time I have.

Today is a perfect day for a perfect day.

Rainbow Fish

I know I am unique and special, but so is everybody else.  I do not want to try to blend in with others, but I do not like always like the attention that comes with letting my light shine.  I just want to be and not have anyone comment on my behavior good or bad.  I also do not want to shadow others when they are shining or trying to shine.  I know that when others are sometimes too showy about their abilities and talents, it makes me feel inferior.  I don’t want to do that to others.  I want to invite them to be themselves.  At the same time, I have heard it said that when being nothing but yourself, you can invite others to do the same.  I guess I see the showy people as being less than genuine.  Maybe I need to take a closer look.  I would probably have to put myself in a situation with other people first :p

Facebook Rant

Today I was doing some reflecting while on my afternoon commute.  I was thinking about this blog and what it was going to do for me.  How is this any different than publishing my feelings, opinions, and self-revelations on Facebook?  The difference is that this is just for me.  I do not care what other people think of me.  I do not need or want their approval.  I do not need or want sympathy and I am no good at accepting complements.  I just want to be.  I hate having to explain myself to others. I just want someone to BE with me.  I don’t want comments, I don’t want likes.  I just want to show people who I am.

It dawned on me that what I have been grappling for is self-expression.  From finger paintings and poems in elementary school to service projects and self-portraits in high school, then leadership roles and term-papers in college, I have been expressing myself in many ways.  I have found that in the grown up world there are fewer and fewer places I have been invited to express myself.  This is my opportunity to look in the mirror and not see anyone’s gaze but my own.  This is my opportunity to dig deep and get back to my roots.  

Then I took a look at Facebook and realized that the people whom I am so sick of blowing up my news feed about one thing or another, may just be other people desperately wishing to be invited to BE themselves.  I am so focused on how their blabbering affects me that I could be missing their cries for adult company.

When I rediscover who it is within me and why it is that I love myself, I will be able to reach out to others who are begging to be invited to BE themselves too.  My love/hate relationship with Facebook is likely not over, but I have identified the needs I have been trying to fulfill there.

Maybe my need for self-expression is the reason I have been tempted to get my first tattoo lately :p  I think I will try some other outlets first!

This is me.

One of the things I find as a constant struggle in my daily life is allowing others to see the real me.  Some days I blame me.  Some days I blame them.  Maybe I am shy.  Maybe I am reserved.  Then I remember who I am….who I was made to be.  So why can’t I just be me?  I do not put on a false image, hiding myself, but I wait to be invited before I make an appearance in a room full of anyone, whether it be family, acquaintances, or complete strangers.  I am so used to suppressing myself until the opportunity arises.  Then I unleash the spirit within me and it is beautiful.  I get frustrated at how little I come out to play.  I let others control the windows of opportunity for me to be me.

I am starting this blog because I am inviting myself to be myself.  Facebook is a danger zone where I compare my timid self with those less compelled to hold themselves back.  Then again, who am I to say who they are on the other side of the computer screen?  This blog is for me.  I do not want to force my beliefs and opinions onto others’ pages or feeds.  I am not so self-centered that I would post anything and expect someone to care.  Instead I will post myself here anonymously, primarily for my own benefit.  Just me.

I once heard that we act most like ourselves when we put on a costume.  This blog is mine.  I am confined and safe in my anonymity.  I write this in hopes that being me comes more fluidly instead of consciously.

Most sincerely,

A small fish.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
-Thomas Merton-